Brain Spew

I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. With anything. But specifically, with this "blog". What is my goal for this? What do I hope to get out of this? Why even bother figuring out things to write about? Even right now, I'm metaphorically slapping myself, trying desperately to come up with something interesting, attention grabbing, and deeply philosophical that will leave the reader speechless at my level of creativity and talent. So is that what this is for? Attention? That's pretty lame. I hope I'm doing this is for reasons better than that one. When I first thought of the idea of doing something like this, it started as a "journal" of sorts. Just some files on my computer that I would sporadically save things in. I most definitely did not intend for people to view anything in said files. Like, seriously. I would have thought that I would have shot myself to prevent that from happening. Now that I think about it, if ever there were a time machine....

The thing that bothers me is this: I was attempting to challenge myself. I wanted to do something that made my clumsy feet step over the caution tape of my cordoned off comfort zone. Something that made my insides want to be on my outsides because I would be so uncomfortable sharing what I had to say. Even though it hasn't even been a week since I started this, I already feel as though I'm eons away from my initial reasons behind beginning it. I guess I was hoping to see myself in a raw light. Totally strip away anything that covers up the pale flesh of my psyche. Bare it all. But even now there's a curtain. A facade of sarcasm and run-on sentences that I subconsciously hope will keep prying eyes away. I want to be honest with myself. But I guess you have to understand yourself before you can understand what honesty is in relation to yourself. But what does being honest with myself entail? Eventually, I hope to find out through constantly getting all my thoughts out onto virtual paper and organizing them until they make some kind of sense.

So, yeah. I don't really know where I was going with this. It's just some late night brain spewing. But we kind of need that once in a while. Just a typed out stream of consciousness. Something that flows like a river in our heads, but like play-dough when it gets to paper. Something that only makes sense to us. Something that we can call ours, even if what we're calling "ours" is a personal struggle or problem. Anyway, to sum up, I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm figuring things out as I go along and trying desperately to be true to myself. 

Whatever that means...