"We have this sneaking suspicion that to be known is to be loved, fully. And yet, loved in spite of ourselves. So, I wanna free you up here. Because if you're trying to be a good person because you just want to show everyone and prove to everyone what a good person you are, you're always gonna fail. Because you're screwed up. You're human."
It's as if we're afraid to be loved. We're afraid that someone could look us in the eye and see all of our darkness, all of our muck and grime, and then love us. We think we have to be better first, in order to deserve it. We're afraid of being unworthy of this love, so we shut it out when it calls. We tell it no one is home, come back later. Leave a message. *Beep*.
I think that part of the reason I reject the love I'm so desperately searching for is because I can't wrap my head around such an infinite and merciful beauty. But how does that make sense? Have you ever seen something so beautiful that you've had to look away? Maybe. I guess it's possible. Maybe it makes sense because I've never been confronted with this type of beautiful love before. I know the love of my family, my friends, and even the occasional fleeting romance. But nothing substantial. At least, not that I think. I mean, I know in my head that I am loved by an infinitely merciful, super-eminent, almighty being. But I just can't get my heart to agree. Or maybe it's the other way around. There's something inside me that knows it's true. But there's something else at war. Something else that just doesn't understand.
A friend of mine had something rather wise to say on the subject. As we sat on a concrete wall contemplating the fact that we both yearn to know how to love, she had some interesting insight.
"Lydia, I think what you need is for someone to fall in love with you. Because I think, once you know the full and complete love of an imperfect person, how much more will you understand the complete and perfect love of God?"Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe, once I'm able to grasp the idea that something bigger than the universe loves me, I'll be able to understand and accept the love of a person. I have no idea. I'm still figuring it out. I know I'll find the answer eventually, but I haven't discovered it just yet. It's a good thing the universe is seemingly infinite. This might take a while.
